


the lights will guide you home

by saunatonttu



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, M/M, just in case tbh since there are so many ways to self-harm, self-harm mentioned, vent fic for most part
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-28
Updated: 2015-11-28
Packaged: 2018-05-03 20:53:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5306399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saunatonttu/pseuds/saunatonttu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There were no stars to be found, but there was an apartment building.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the lights will guide you home

There could be a thousand colors in the sunset, and none of them would reach Kei’s room the way it was now: curtains pulled to cover the window, lights off and computer shut. His phone was somewhere, but he couldn’t remember where.

Tokyo’s lights still managed to shed a bare minimum of illumination into his bedroom. The shadows were tall and flickering, embracing the light and choking Kei – choking, but never drowning him. They circled and cradled him wordlessly, darkening the feeling that had bubbled up.

There was no name for it, at least not one that Kei wanted to give to it.

He wanted to block it out. He usually managed to. He wasn’t usually like this – but there it was, the bloodcurdling feeling of tears behind his closed eyelids and repressed vulnerability breaking pieces of his heart.

It wasn’t usually this bad, the feeling of wrongness.

The blanket he had thrown over himself burned him through the fabric of his hoodie, so he took both of them off, hands shaking like they were resisting.

Now that he was moving after what felt like an eternity of immobility, he couldn’t stop. He paced, his breaths shallow as they matched the rhythm of his footsteps that dully broke the relative silence of the room.

A car honked outside.

Kei looked at the window, eyes grim and lips curling down.

*

Ten minutes later he was down in the street, his sneakers hastily and clumsily pulled to sockless feet. He hadn’t picked up his hoodie.

But even in just his tee-shirt, he didn’t feel cold. The red marks on his arms looked much fainter in the luminescence of streetlights. They didn’t hurt, either, but that was no surprise – with the force of his fingers and nails, there was very little damage to be done.

His eyes ached, the unshed tears like needles below his lids.

There were already Christmas lights around, bright like people’s moods around the holiday season. Kei looked into himself, finding nothing but the void of uneasiness that had stolen him. The reds and greens of the outside world did nothing but numb his eyes to them.

He could just keep on walking like this without looking back. Eventually he would be out of this district, out of this neighborhood, and at some point – out of Tokyo. His legs might crumble before them.

That didn’t sound too bad either: the thought was comforting in the ailing mind, amidst the pieces that had been healing but were now torn apart again.

Kei took a shuddering breath, stumbling as he stepped on his shoelaces. He put no effort in keeping balance; yet, he didn’t fall.

That was alright, he supposed.

*

His fingers started to feel numb by the time the snow started falling in crowds of white cotton-like flakes. They melted from the heat of Kei’s skin, turning into tracks of snow-cold tears.

He shuddered as one of the tracks ran down his neck.

How long had he been out? The answer to that was the same as always during these times – _not long enough._

The pressure inside his chest and head wasn’t gone, wasn’t any easier to handle, but the numb feeling of forgetfulness helped to fend it off, to brush it aside like all the other feelings.

He’s so good at that, being a brilliantly cold young man with a scathing tongue and sharp eyes.

He looked up, but he couldn’t see the stars, couldn’t see the brilliant white lights Akiteru had shown him when they were both younger and still ways from lying to each other.

There were no stars to be found, but there was an apartment building.

*

He was shaking again by the time he climbed up the steps of the stairs. His face was moving, hesitating between a fake smile and a tilted grimace. Neither felt right on his face, on his lips.

When he reached the door, he stopped. His hands remained at his sides, lazy and unwilling to make the leap to reach for help, to reach for something to dull the force of the inexplicable anxiety that burned and froze him in the same breath.

 _Ugh._ Kei rested his forehead against the door. _They’re not even awake, go away._ A white lie, a white deception to himself: Akaashi-san never went to sleep before 2 am, being a fellow insomniac.

He banged his head into the door, without meaning to, and froze in the next second when he heard vague noises behind the door. The tears stuck in his cold-struck eyelashes felt like liquid again as he stepped back, fingers latching together as if in a prayer of _don’t mind me don’t mind me—_

Kuroo’s face was the one that greeted him after the door had slung open, and Kei’s breath hitched against whatever will he had left.

“Tsukki--?” Tetsurou’s voice was warm even in wonderment, and if Kei hadn’t had any self-control he’d have gone in for a hug. Kei looked down, ears warm with shame as chills ran up his spine.

Pathetic.

“Tsukki.” Tetsurou’s voice went low with concern as he gently tugged Kei inside the warmth of the apartment shared with Bokuto and Akaashi. Kei could hear their sounds coming from the direction of their kitchen as he weakly pulled his feet out from his sneakers, Tetsurou’s hand steadily holding onto him.

Akaashi and Bokuto waited for them in the small kitchen.

The room smelled like hot chocolate and marshmallows, a lot like home, and Kei closed his eyes, took in a breath. Opened his eyes. A few tears leaked, those traitors. Tetsurou’s hand was warm in his cold one.

Akaashi’s eyes softened in understanding, and Bokuto’s widened in whole-hearted worry. They both flocked to him, easily settling into his space without putting him in more distress. Bokuto’s lips pecked his cheeks, fast and overwhelming in numbers. Akaashi sneaked a soft whisper into Kei’s ear, though he had to stand on his toes for a bit.

Tetsurou’s hand squeezed his, a constant reminder of love that Kei didn’t really deserve but which was given to him anyway.

“We still have a bit of strawberry shortcake and strawberry ice cream,” Akaashi said, his lips pressing against Kei’s chin as they sat him down before his legs would give out. “You want some?”

“Uh-huh,” Kei managed, and the strangling hold around his throat eased off a little as Akaashi turned towards the fridge. Bokuto gently hooted into his ears, another reminder of a joke that really ought to have died by now.

And Tetsurou’s smile anchored him down to the moment, eyes speaking of love while his hair spoke of a messed up sleeping style.

Kei found it in himself to breathe again.

**Author's Note:**

> im just having a rly bad night   
> i m sorry,,,,,,,,


End file.
